I want a new me

I want a new me
One that I can look at in the mirror
One that fits into cute dresses
One that feels healthy
One that feels good.

I want a new me
One that doesn't mask the pain
Or runs from it
Or hides from it,
Like it doesn't exist...

I want a new me.

I know what it takes,
I don't know how to do it.
I know the answers,
I don't know if I can do it.

I want a new me.

Starting now.
Starting tomorrow.
Continuing the next day
and the next

I want to be happy with the girl, [strike that] woman,
 I see in the mirror
Not because of society
because of me.
I don't like what I see... and that is not right.

I can make a new me.
I can do this.
One small step at a time...
but steps nonetheless...
become giant leaps

I want to live what I preach
I want to be healthy
I want to be happy
I want to love myself
I want others to see

 I want a new me. 

My Dad and Solar Eclipses.

They say that you can't look directly into the sun during a solar eclipse... to me that is what the passing of my dad feels like.

It has been 2 months now, and I still can't look directly at it.  I can't imagine that he won't answer the phone when I call my mom twice daily to make sure that she is okay, I can't imagine that he isn't there to give me crap about my job situation, I can't imagine that he isn't there... it's like looking straight into that void, burning my eyes and soul out waiting for an answer.

But I was there... I gave a fine eulogy (so I was told), I held tight to his ashes as we transported them home despite road blocks (ashes are much heavier then I expected), I was present at the reception, I held people's hands.  I kept vigil with those who needed to and I continually mourn. He is gone.  Not forgotten.

There is an empty space when a dad... father... dies.  I say it over and over- "my mom is the glue, but my dad was the foundation."  So true.  The little girl in me cries out for him... into that empty hole of a sun.

I miss you dad.