My Dad and Solar Eclipses.

They say that you can't look directly into the sun during a solar eclipse... to me that is what the passing of my dad feels like.

It has been 2 months now, and I still can't look directly at it.  I can't imagine that he won't answer the phone when I call my mom twice daily to make sure that she is okay, I can't imagine that he isn't there to give me crap about my job situation, I can't imagine that he isn't there... it's like looking straight into that void, burning my eyes and soul out waiting for an answer.

But I was there... I gave a fine eulogy (so I was told), I held tight to his ashes as we transported them home despite road blocks (ashes are much heavier then I expected), I was present at the reception, I held people's hands.  I kept vigil with those who needed to and I continually mourn. He is gone.  Not forgotten.

There is an empty space when a dad... father... dies.  I say it over and over- "my mom is the glue, but my dad was the foundation."  So true.  The little girl in me cries out for him... into that empty hole of a sun.

I miss you dad.